ARLINGTON, VIRGINIA — A middle-aged white woman with nothing better to do ruined the night of dozens of hardworking Americans blowing off steam and getting some exercise at Virginia Highlands Park Tuesday night.
Around 8 p.m., the woman, donning the vintage yellow “official” top of an automaton given a smidge of fake power and ready to wield it, approached the softball fields at the park where two critical postseason-impacting games were taking place. “These fields closed at 6:30, you shouldn’t even be here,” she bellowed, while pointing at some sort of Arlington County Parks Department notice on her phone.
The weather was around 80 degrees and sunny. A brief rain shower had passed through around 6:30, leaving the field mildly dampened but sufficiently dry by the time she arrived. Both games had been ongoing for over an hour with no issue.
Multiple players made inquiries to the stormtrooper about the closure, to which she explained that the fields were closed due to weather. “Let’s use a little reason here,” one Daily Caller softball team member appealed. “It’s perfectly sunny and dry out here, there’s no reason we can’t finish up the last couple of innings and then leave.”
The bureaucratic enforcer could only repeatedly respond by claiming it’s “not my call” and forced the 60+ athletes to clear the fields per the direction of her superiors. When Daily Caller captain Dylan Housman pointed out the team had a permit to use the field and had received no notification about the field being closed, the government drone escalated the situation, threatening to prevent the teams from getting any further permits in the future if they didn’t bow to her authority immediately.
One Caller player remarked that the official was behaving like an “automaton” and that her handling of the crisis almost didn’t seem “human” due to her complete inability to apply rationality to the situation and operate outside the bounds of a government edict. The robotic responses resembled that of a Russian sockpuppet account spreading misinformation about American politics on social media.
Regardless, the Callers hold a 16-5 lead in the suspended game against the Roosevelt Institute, complete through four innings. Chief Nerd Elias Atienza had his first career multi-home run game, knocking in two dingers, and Deputy Editor Dylan Housman added an additional home run and four RBI’s. Traveling Ad Salesman Jake Berube turned a solo double play at shortstop that wowed the crowd of 3 spectators, and Visiting Sporting Fellows Manfred Wendt and Will Mitola had productive days at the plate. Reporting Fellow Erin Van Natta also made her season debut at catcher, and Chief Cartoonist Avery Long reached base and scored a run.
In the likely event the win holds, the Callers will end the season with a strong 5-2 record and wait to hear their name called on selection day for their playoff draw.
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